January 26, 2018
I’m currently on the train to Maribor to visit my sister. I have nothing to do and I swear to whatever is above us, I would never write a blog post. I’m too inconsistent to even have a blog… but I do.
So here I am now, writing. Not because I expect anyone to read this because I don’t really plan on sharing it on my social medias. But because I need to write this down. My emotions.
I feel like someone put me in a jar and closed the lid. I’m running out of air. I don’t know where I am. I don’t know who I am or how to get out of this situation I put myself in. All I wanted was to have more time with myself, to focus on my psychological well-being. But I can’t because there’s an alarm going on in my head every single second.
It reminds me of the things that await me with each passing day, every exam I need to take and everything I need to study for. It reminds me of my failures and the things that bring me sadness. I can’t resurface.
I want to cry all the time. But I can’t bring myself to. I used to cry for every small thing that happened but now, I just can’t. I don’t know why, to be honest. Probably because I keep thinking it would pass and keep shoving all my emotions down.
I don’t know what I have to feel sad about, really. There isn’t a particular reason. I’m just… not happy.
I try to reach out to my friends but they seem to avoid me. I would too to be honest. But they don’t know what state I’m in. I haven’t seen any of my friends in a month. The only time I leave the house is to go to the store and I haven’t gone to school in that time.
My friends seemed to have moved on and forgot about me. A part of me is happy about that. Less people to worry about hurting.
Things haven’t been great recently with them. I feel like they hold this grudge against me and my mind keeps racing with all these thoughts, wondering what they might be saying behind my back. It’s crushing me. I want to cry. I miss them so much.
I don’t know how to reach out to people. I’m vocal about how I feel – like always. And I keep facing accusations of how fake I sound. People stopped believing me simply because I don’t look like it. I don’t look like someone who constantly gets horrible chest pains and is attacked by surges of panic, guilt, fears and hurtful scenarios that fill up my mind on an hourly basis. How does one person even look like that?
I do have my moments where I smile and laugh, where I feel happy. Moments where I forget about certain things. But they pass, like everything else.
So why do people not believe me when I try to reach out for help?
One part of me is okay with it though. I’m not sure they could help. Talking about it used to bring me some sense of relief but I feel as if I’m too far gone.
It’s funny. I hadn’t realized it had been depression that caused me to stop my whole world.
I pretended things were normal, like nothing was going on these past few months but it really wasn’t. It didn’t hit me what was going on until I went to sleep one night and I tossed and turned, thoguhts racing and never stopping. Thoughts of my friends, my family and thoughts of school. Worries. Neverending worries. And then… suddenly… completely out of the blue…
A very terrifying thought appeared in my help. I wish it could all end.
That same thought was what made me surface out of that dark pool in my mind and realize that what I was thinking was what I used to feel all those years ago. A thought that woke me up with a jump. It scared me. It made me shake.
I felt angry with myself. How could I think of such a thing?
Guilt followed almost instantly.
But it served its purpose. I knew what was wrong with me. I needed help and that same thought was what made me decide I was going to find help one way or another.
I guess what I’m really afraid of is my family disapproving if things don’t work out the way we all set them out to. I’m just afraid.
I’m scared. Alone. Sad.
But I’m hopeful. Things haven’t reached the point where I could just give up. I need to distance myself from my life for a moment. That’s what I need to do to gain perspective.
Hopefully it works.